Remarriage and Divorce

The new marriage or divorce of a parent or family member is difficult and brings significant changes. That feeling of intrusion is inevitable (if children from a previous marriage are involved) and can cause strife between individuals. A new marriage (after being previously married) can be hard because of old habits. A new spouse could feel inadequate and compared to the old spouse if mentioned frequently. Divorce on the other hand brings a wide variety of emotions. As a child, my father experienced 5 or more divorces between his two parents. It made my dad's self esteem drop, he blamed himself, and gained attachment issues because everyone he loved seemed to leave. Divorces make individuals question themselves and make them ask why they are not good enough for the other spouse. Depression is a direct effect of divorce, and it can take months or even years to get over it. Divorces can end pleasantly, but most often they are quite ugly. Nobody wants to go through a divorce unless it is completely necessary. In both new marriages and divorces, many people are affected and it can be an issue that will change lives forever.

Parenting

After reading the chapter on Parenting in our textbook, it has made me very excited about the thought of one day having my own family (including children). Being married to my best friend is an encouraging start, but it will be a special day when we find out we are pregnant. It is a stark contrast between the values of the world and the Church on the stance of having children. The world would like us to wait, pursue careers and travel before conceiving, but the Church thinks it is inappropriate to prioritize such things above having children. Just looking at the average (non-lds family), the average size is 2 maybe 3. Member of the Mormon faith tend to have average size families of 4 or 5+ children. It is amazes me to see such young newlyweds taking a leap of faith and having children. Resources and finances are tight making each individual situation stressful. We can be better parents when we let the Lord guide our decisions on when to have children, and it is nobody else's business to interfere with that decision. The opportunity to have children is a divine right, and one that should not be taken for granted.

Fatherhood and the Effects of Parents Being Home on Children

I value the role of parents and how much they influence their children. I, unlike some LDS children, was raised in a home where both my parents worked. My mother never wanted to burden my father with all of the financial responsibility, and therefore she became a fifth grade teacher. I never felt like I missed out on anything as a child because both of my parents are were home whenever I was. I found it interesting that President Benson considered it doctrine that women should stay home. I like the two points that were brought up in class. 1.) If you put a money value to the house cleaning, child care, and cooking that takes place daily by the wife that is definitely an asset and essentially a money saving solution. 2.) I believe Jacob said that just because a mother stays at home, doesn't mean she can't leave the home. It is important that we realize how important it is to be a parent who supports and listens to their child, and that is easy if we are home when they are. Money is not everything, and often-times families can live comfortably (even if not lavishly) on just a father's income.

Communication in a Marriage

I have always found communication to be important and fascinating. This is probably one of the reasons why I made it my Major at BYU-Idaho. I really enjoyed our little drawing experiment we conducted class today. I believe that it fully explains why it is important to learn how to understanding and "decode" one another's messages. We truly learn how to communicate with one another when we have been around them long enough to know their communication loop. Another important take away from the class this evening was the value in alone time between spouses. As newlyweds we often have alot of alone time, but I know that may not be the case when we begin to build our family. It may sound silly, but some of the most memorable and important conversations my husband and I have had have been in bed alone before we go to sleep. I appreciate the relaxing environment and alone time we are able to spend with one another away from the busy and bustling world. Communication is key in every successful relationship, and I am grateful that we have smooth communication in ours.

Family Stressors

I find this topic fascinating because that is something that has been directly affecting our marriage in the recent weeks. My husband and I have been dating for seven years and were married last August. We were lucky and had that fairy tale ending, as most people describe it. In comparison to most serious stressors, my husband and I often reflect on troubles we had in the past with our long distance relationship and bring them into our marriage. I will admit, that is more of a problem that I struggle with than him. He has the mindset that the past is the past, while I still dwell on those times that I was hurt. This seems ridiculous, and realistically is ridiculous, because we are married and really it shouldn't matter. As a result, my husband and I have found methods to difuse any tension or stress by simply discussing how different our marriage is now compared to a silly teenage dating experience. Our outlook is different, because we are a team. I feel that if you always have that "team" mentality, you can overcome all stressors whether they be a death, finances, disobedient children, loss of employment, etc. you can tackle any trial put in your path. The adversary wants us to feel stressed and overwhelmed and feel like we have no way out, but we have our spouse, family, and the Lord to aid us through any difficult challenge put in our path.

Marital Intimacy

Intimacy has become very distorted in the media and throughout the world. I felt like the discussions we had in class about why intimacy is important in a marriage were very interesting. As married couples, we need intimacy to feel attractive, appreciated, comforted, as well as identifying specific gender roles in a marriage. One of the most important reasons intimacy is crucial in a marriage is because it allows us to create/build our individual family units. I know that as a newlywed, I am not currently ready to add children to our family yet, but that it is something that we look forward to doing. We are now focusing on how to get to know one another in all aspects of our marriage. We are grateful for the gift of intimacy that we are now allowed to partake of. I liked the analogy of the gift, and as members of the Church, this can often be an awkward thing to address, but it is a beautiful thing. Intimacy in a marriage can improve a bad marriage and bring more love and attention to important details of one another’s needs. One of the most memorable parts of class was when Brother Williams said that you can tell how a marriage is functioning based on the couples sexual experience. Sex goes beyond the physical, it is an emotional bond that belongs within the bounds of marriage.  

Getting To Know Them

Being married is a wonderful journey, but also an incredible learning experience. When we were discussing in class what changes when you get married, I thought we covered a lot of great things. Some of those changes are: Routines, Schedules, Sharing Everything, Budget/Finances, and Personal Space. I feel very fortunate that my husband and I have been together for so long (seven years), because it made our transition much easier. I would say that our most difficult transition was the financial aspect. It is not that we do not have the money, it's the fact that I am very organized with our finances and my husband is very lax. If I were to give advice to an engaged couple, it would be to discuss all of the necessary topics, but also create a budget before you get married. Get in the routine of living on a budget, because life much different when two people share an account. I have found that being open-minded to eachother's solutions on how to solve problems not only solves the problem, but brings you and your spouse together.

Being Newlyweds and The Long Road Before

There is no better feeling than being married. You have found that one person and you no longer have to live in the dating "scene". For one thing, the dating scene is scary, and could potentially be unhealthy. The dating scene, in most areas other than an LDS community, has high risks associated with it. In the discussions of "hooking up" and "hanging out" I am reminded of when Sister Dalton came to BYU-Idaho last semester and gave a talk about how young ladies should not allow boys to ask them to hang out, but make them really take them out on a date. I think those were inspired words. Traditional dating is what helps structure a workable marriage. You need to official be dedicated to someone before you can marry them. I was dating the same young man for seven, yes seven years, before we were married. I had seen him in every season, situation, and environment. It is important to really know someone before getting married, and I assure you it is almost impossible to do so without having the traditional dating experience.

Was I Born This Way?

This week in class we discussed primarily same gender attraction and the difficulties associated with it. Being from Vermont I am very familiar with same gender attraction. I remember in my high school having at least three of my teachers being homosexuals. I also had a basketball coach who was a lesbian. I was never put in a position where I felt uncomfortable, in fact it helped me realize how important people are as individuals not being based on their sexual orientation. However, I did have a friend who had two fathers. It was very apparent that she needed a mother figure. There are obvious challenges for girls being raised without a motherly influence. My friend struggled with dating, puberty, and interacting socially with other females. I have never thought that was fair. I know she would have had an easier transition with a mother figure and a father figure. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we know that everybody's gender is of God and given to us to fulfill roles as a mother and a father. If those roles in each family are not met, there is a definite problem that cannot be reversed if the situation remains the same.

Family Sculpting

I thought it was really interesting to watch the volunteer family in class be sculpted into a formation that best describes the current relationship and the relationship they eventually wanted to achieve. If I had to sculpt my current family situation (including both my immediate family and husband), it would look something like this. My dad would probably be somewhere in the upper middle. He would be in the middle because he is the center of our home. He is the nucleus. He presides, protects, and provides for everyone and therefore directly effects and should touch everyone. My mom would be right at his side because she and my father are a team and make all of the decisions together. My parents would both be in the middle located above everyone because it is apparent in our family that together they make decisions that will affect the family as a whole. Next would be me standing just below my dad because I have a very close "daddy's girl" relationship with him. Likewise, my sister would be on my mother's lower side because she has that same relationship with her. And of course, next to us would be each of our husbands. I like to think of myself as lucky, because for the most part my family is normal and openminded. We respect one another, and cherish the time that we are able to spend with one another. The family sculpting exercise helped me re-evaluate how much I appreciate the family unit and structure and how important it is to our existence on the Earth.

You Know....Those "Unsaid Rules"

Everyone family has them...things that you just don't do because it's just plain old inappropriate. There are unsaid rules in society, the family you grew up in, and the little family you have now with you and your spouse (if you are married). Let's review some that have impacted my life in the following categories:

Society
*You never, never, ever, ask a woman if they are pregnant if they may look like it, but you may be...unsure.
*You never talk on your cell phone in a restaurant.
*You never talk to a stranger on an elevator, you simply look up at the numbers 1-10 as if you have never seen them before.

Pretty simple social norms, and most people understand those. But what about the various families we grow up with? Here were some of mine.

Family
*When Dad talks, you listen (I believe another girl mentioned that one in class).
*You get A's when it comes to grades. My Dad would always say, "You are capable, and it's an expectation."
*You never wear your shoes in the house, in Vermont, it's just rude.
*You be home for dinner, it was never blatantly stated, but there was always a place setting with your name on it.

In My Little Fam
*Change the toilet paper if it runs out (which should be a rule in every household).
*You do not go on large shopping sprees without the other's approval.
*The Kitchen is always clean before we go to bed.

All of these things are not rules written down anywhere, but are simply completed tasks or ideas that occur as a result of what we consider normal and acceptable.

Observing Extended Family

My post is a little late this week, because my grandmother passed away this past unexpectedly. I had to leave Friday for New Mexico for her funeral, thus rearranging my life this week to go. My extended family, much like other people's, has a unique and intricate love/hate relationship. If the claws do not come out at one point or another during an extended family gathering, it would be, well....abnormal. I took this weekend to simply observe my family members and see what triggers each individual person. What I observed was that, control and power is a big issue in our extended family. Whether it is power over the food, the social atmosphere, or boasting about their perfect children. It becomes a literal epidemic. And how sad. In class this past Tuesday, we discussed the importance of observing people, and why it is so effective. Sometimes when people (myself including), know their opinions or behaviors are being seen or calculated in surveys or interviews, they put on a front. But observations, especially when unplanned, and on family members, are quite insightful...